Stand in the Place Where You Work

For the past 15 some-odd years of my life, I have spent a minimum of 5 days a week in a cubicle. I work. A lot. And I work hard.

In fact, I left my last employer because I was tired of working double digit days... Only to start clocking even more time behind a desk at this new place. In fact, I worked on Christmas Day. In a building with no a/c and only auxiliary lighting. There is something so fundamentally wrong with that.

This is hard for me, because I've always pretended that my mantra is "I work to live, not live to work," but it's kind of been a lie. In reality, my entire existence revolves around my job. Wake up, go to work, go home, sleep, wash, rinse, repeat. With each passing year, I am more and more convinced that the dream for TRUE work/life balance is just that - smoke and mirrors. But it doesn't have to be that way. I know - I've read about it on the internet!

When you think about it, it's a sickness, really - This American perception that success is measured by who we work for, how much we make, what our title is. That is not what life is about - Those things aren't important. They aren't EXCITING. Well, admittedly, I am a huge nerd, and macros, formulas, and forecasts are definitely exciting for me. But the last thing I want discussed at my funeral is how great my Excel skills were.

Recently, however, there was a shift in my inner being: I woke up one morning and thought, "I need to change my entire life. No, I need to leave my life. Yes, I want to start to actually LIVE." Kind of a leap, but I have arrived at the decision to abandon Corporate America for good.

This decision has been a long time coming. Even as a child, I felt this great sense of responsibility to take control of my existence - I am lucky enough to be a part of this world, and I am compelled and called to experience every single bit of it. For a variety of reasons that I will not belabor, it has always been paramount for me to be the very best Individual Contributor to ever contribute individually. My deep-seeded fears of failure and inadequacy have lent themselves quite well, in this endeavor - Working hard is a compulsion for me. Ask any of my former or current co-workers and colleagues, and you will hear that I am the single most dependable person in the working world. That's all well and good, but when I stop for a minute and look at my life, I haven't really DONE anything.

Last month, I saw my 35th birthday come and go. In five years, I will be 40. Recognizing that 40 is most definitely the new 20, and acknowledging that this milestone does not qualify as "old," I see that I am running out of time... I want to be reckless, and as more time passes behind this ergonomically correct workstation, the older and more tired I feel. If I allow myself to remain complacent in this current existence, I can't even imagine how much more pronounced these feelings of drudge and dread will be after 5 more years of this constant, soul-sucking grind. There simply is no other option: My time is now.

So, it's decided: I will (eventually) quit my job. I will (eventually) buy an RV or tiny house. I will (eventually) traverse the country, living off of wages earned by doing things that genuinely excite and electrify me. I will put all of my faith in this great world and truly believe that I will find my way.

So, what are the next steps? Well, for now, I will obsessively comb the web for information about how to ACTUALLY make these things happen. I will neurotically plan and forecast and spreadsheet what my near-future will look like. It's time to do this... but let's not be too rash about that giant leap over the ledge.... I think I prefer more of a stumbling pace.

In the coming months, I will share with you my progress - What are these wild plans, exactly? What are my fears? Despite these concerns, what is it that continues to drive me? Is this really happening?

I make no promises that this will be an educational or informative blog. There may be many instances where I just need an outlet for some anxiety-fueled ramblings filled with self-doubt and complete terror. I may get "shiny lighted" and talk for a bit about things completely unrelated to this new journey. Who knows... I mean, I've decided to abandon all sense of structure and pattern in my entire life, so the same rule should apply here. Thanks for joining me. It's about to get real.